One of my favorite parts about being a flight attendant is that you never know what to expect when stepping onto the plane. Each flight, I get a different group of people with different wants and needs and I enjoy the challenge of stepping into those different roles. One flight I may become a babysitter as I’m watching a child while their mother is in the bathroom. Another flight I may be a bartender for those who only desire alcohol to cure their frustration from a delay. During this post, allow me to take the role as your mentor and guide as I share what is acceptable and sometimes not acceptable when flying. To make things clear, I will share some of my own stories while working. So gather around kids, because it’s story time.

There is a time and place to make jokes, and boarding is not one of them.

First things first, I have a little confession to make. When I was in college, I became a hostess at Mimi’s Café. My confession is that I created something that could help me get through all of the cheesy comments and lame dad jokes. I call it my “hostess laugh”. When I wouldn’t know how to respond in these situations, I would give a slightly pitiful yet believable laugh instead. I have now carried it on to my flying life and it has worked like a charm. Unfortunately, in this story, it was the first time my hostess laugh didn’t serve me faithfully. I was working as flight attendant #1 (which is the lead flight attendant in the front), and was greeting the passengers as they boarded the plane. A man stepped onto the plane and said, “I think someone is following me”. I immediately thought he was joking and was referring to the man behind him, so I looked at the man behind him and laughed. I then quickly realized that the two of them were not together, so I looked back at the first man confused and a little alarmed. He then proceeded to turn and show me a bear keychain that was attached to his backpack. Yes, he made a joke saying his bear keychain was “following” him. Here’s a little advice from this experience. 1) On a plane, or even the airport alone, it is not a good idea to make jokes about any type of criminal or suspicious activity. 2) Don’t make bad jokes.

If you can read, you can succeed.

As a flight attendant, I see a lot of things repeated time and time again from passengers. I have had to learn to not get frustrated at these things, because it is no ones fault in why it happens over and over again. It just does. For example, there will always be roller boards put in sideways in the overhead bins when it clearly makes more room to put it long ways; Or when I approach a row with the food cart holding a menu and ask, “Would you like to purchase something to eat. Without a doubt, someone always responds with, “I’ll have a coke”. But the most entertaining thing that happens at least 80% of all flights, is the struggle in opening the lavatory door. Yeah you read it right. There are at least 3 people each flight that have no clue how to open the lav. door. Without even looking at the clear picture right on the door saying to “Push Here”, they head straight for the cigarette ashtray and fiddle with it for about 10 seconds before actually looking at the door. So my tips for times like this, is something I have learned from one of my instructors during training. She always told us, “If you can read, you can succeed”. So folks, the next time you fly, take a moment to scan the door before reaching for that ashtray. If not, and I happen to be your flight attendant, I’m more than likely going to be laughing at your struggle.

The Galley is not a place for physical activities.

Now before your mind goes somewhere else after reading this title, I’m not talking about inappropriate physical activities, (but of course that is not allowed either). Let me tell you a little story of what a long flight can do to a person and their sanity. I was working first class on a transcontinental flight, which means coast to coast. First, believe me when I say I completely understand if a person needs to get up to stretch their legs a little, but there are some things that I don’t accept. About halfway through our flight, a guy from main cabin comes up to first class and says, “sorry I hope you don’t mind, I need to do push-ups or I’m going to go crazy”. He then proceeds to get on the ground of my first class galley, and starts doing push-ups. Um actually, I DO MIND! After a couple of seconds my shock wears off, I tell him that he can’t do that here. Of course he then goes to the first class aisle and continues where he left off. The first class passengers looked alarmed, and rightfully so because someone was DOING PUSH-UPS IN THE AISLE! I said “SIR I MEANT YOU CAN’T DO PUSH-UPS ANYWHERE”. Friends, let this man’s confusion be a lesson that there are some things that should just be kept at the gym.

Don’t take things quite so literally.

It was my very first flight, which in my opinion makes the story all the more great. I was in the back on an Airbus, which meant that during takeoff and landing, I was by myself. We were about 20 seconds from touching the ground and I was looking out of my jumpseat window, (Probably having a cheesy moment with myself thinking “wow I can’t believe I’m flying”). My thoughts were interrupted when a woman tapped me on the shoulder and asked if she could go to the bathroom. I was speechless, considering we were literally about to land. I looked out the window again and then back at her, and alarmingly said “NO WE ARE ABOUT TO LAND!” She looked terrified, probably because I looked terrified, and then I said “YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN”. Now I want to be clear to you and tell you that my intention for her was to sit down in her seat, but of course she proceeded to sit ON THE FLOOR. And then we landed; with her sitting on the floor, holding on to someone’s seat for dear life. After the shock wore off, I had to fight everything in me to keep from laughing. So please people, learn from this last story of mine. 1) Don’t try to go to the bathroom while you’re plane is landing. And 2) don’t take everything literally.

I hope you have enjoyed these stories and stay tuned, because I promise there will be many more to come!

Illustration by the lovely Gibby Johnson! Check out her Etsy Shop here.